Category: family / friends Page 22 of 27

My life as a suicide bomber

On January 6, 2006

The other night the BF and I were sitting around my apartment when he looks at me in all seriousness and says, “I had the worst dream about you last night. I dreamt you were a suicide bomber.”

I of course responded in shock. “Why?”

“You didn’t know. You just thought you were wearing a pretty vest.”

Okay. So here is my question.

Should I be upset that the BF has dreams where I am a suicide bomber OR should I be insulted that he thinks I am SO FRICKIN’ DUMB that I would put on a suicide bombers vest because I thought it was pretty?

I can picture it now. “Oh, I love my new vest. I especially enjoy this cylindrical tufting with the red tube and white string accents. Oh look! They light up…”

Thigh highs OR When skinny calves attack

By Kate

On January 5, 2006

In family / friends

Warning: Attack of chicken-ey calves about to follow.

In my effort to say Damn the Man and fight the system, I don’t wear pantyhose. In fact, until recently I didn’t own pantyhose. (Funeral type events, Catholic guilt and crying family members, particularly all at once, will squeeze me into a pair of panty hose before you can say “God is watching.”) Although I still contend that my 11 years of Catholic school and plaid skirts have prevented, for the most part, my legs from getting cold and allow them, rather, to go straight from warm to numb, Midwestern winds have won out and, dammit, sometimes my legs get cold now. So I have begun to wear, on occasion, trouser socks.

(Side note: In high school my friend Lisa and some others of us would latch onto a word. One day the word was trouser. Lisa went on a date — a pretty big event for those in my group of friends — and proceeded to use the word trouser over and over during the date. Try saying it a few times today. You will get funny looks and probably not asked out on follow-up dates.)

The other day I redeemed a Christmas gift card in a sickly stupor and walked out of the store with only very practical items like trouser socks and underwear.

Now to set this up, I must remind you that I am tall — 5’ 11” and -– and have big feet -– size 10. Socks and tights and such aren’t made for me. They are made for small people. Honest. So imagine my surprise when I pull on my trouser socks. Rather than the knee highs I am used to and associate with the third grade, these trouser socks were thigh highs. Whose calves were these intended to cover?

Probably much to my mother’s delight, on option when wearing these socks is to fold them over.

And this brings me to that third grade comment. A little bit about style in the third grade, when every item of your clothing is dictated by a strict dress code monitored by nuns. In our dress code in the third grade (green plaid jumper, white shirt –- peter pan collared being the coolest, leather shoes -– Easton’s with the shoelaces curled being the only acceptable option and dear God help you if you wear gray, leather shoes from Naturalizer in the seventh grade and never live it down and navy socks) there was little room for acceptable self-expression. Instead we followed an unwritten rule of blending in. This included, very much so, what types of socks you wore. The coolest were knit knee socks work slouched down around your ankles. Not remotely cool to wear nylon knee socks. And not in any way was it even remotely cool to wear them folder over at your knees. As my mom insisted. As she insisted on buying the nylon socks. And so every day after I left my house and walked out of sight of my mother, I did the only acceptable thing for a girl in the third grade to do. Doughnut rolls.

Which brings me to present day. WHAT happened to the doughnut roll, man??? Why do old ladies have the market corned on doughnut rolls?

Beer Marathon

By Kate

On November 21, 2005

In family / friends

Submitted by my brother, who, as a point of reference, just turned 21 and can still claim to be the only of his friends to have never thrown up after drinking alcohol:

Per my own creation, the day after the last of my fall quarter finals, my friends and I competed in the Beer Marathon. I started at 2 pm on Saturday, immediately after my last final. There were 5 contestants, including me. The basic goal of the game was to be the first to consume 26.2 beers.

I finished my 26.2nd beer at 11:30, which was 2 ½ hours ahead of schedule and an hour ahead of my nearest opponent.

My secret weapon? Arby’s 5 for $5.95. Also, I drew up a game plan. I broke down the event down by hours. I drew little beers and sandwiches and crossed them out whenever I consumed one. I also recorded pee breaks, at least for a while. Much of the night is a semi-blackout.

People said I’d be passed out by 8:30 because I was being too ambitious, but I wanted to party a little too, and that meant finishing early.

For the .2, the original plan was to pour a beer evenly across 5 glasses. But I was accused of some minor fumbles with my 24th and 25th beers … very minor spills … so I just drank the whole 27th to make sure nobody could take my victory from me.

Oh, and at one point I tried to give somebody a wet willy and they hit me in the nuts it hurt. Bad. I’m told.

So I finally completed (and won) the marathon and then I go to Skippers for a beer. The most painful beer of my life. Then I go to a party ‘til 4 am.

To summarize, in just over 10 hours I consumed 27.2 beers. No joke, this is the single greatest accomplishment of my life. And I don’t know if you were aware, but the Beer Marathon is my invention. My contribution to the world.

So what’s next? The Alcohol Triathlon: 18 beers, 6 shots and 6 of a yet-unselected alcohol, perhaps wine.

A copy of the Beer Marathon Game Plan is below.

You’ve Been Upper-decked

By Kate

On November 18, 2005

In family / friends

Posted courtesy of my sister, Ellie:

So here goes the story, told in from of parental type people. A group of girls (Group A) lives in a house and at the end of the year new girls (Group B) tour the house and get ready to move in the next year. Group A is sad about leaving and not huge fans of Group B (the Greek-ness of them might not help the situation). Group A moves out and spreads out across the state. Group B moves in and all is well.

Or is it?

In a visit back to the town, Group A stops by the house and upper decks Group B. But what is upper-decking? Let me see if I can explain.

If I were to upper-deck you, I would visit your home, go to your toilet, take the lid off of the toilet tank and take a HUGE DUMP in it. In the TANK! The close it up and leave. THAT is upper-decking. THAT is what Group A did to Group B.

It’s a gross, vile and maybe immature prank. But it gets better. A member of Group A was perusing Facebook and came across pictures of the vileness!!!

Kissing Bug

By Kate

On November 1, 2005

In family / friends

Submitted by my brother, Jake:

So is anyone familiar with the Kissing Bug? I became acquainted with this bug Saturday night (aka Sunday morning since I went to bed around 3). The Kissing Bug is similar in size and appearance to a roach. It is nocturnal and is attracted to Carbon Dioxide. The Kissing Bug is a blood sucker. It bites the host’s lips, eyelids, or ears. This particular Kissing Bug got my upper lip.

I saw the intruder when I woke up, but didn’t realize I had been bitten. I assumed I just had a zit coming in. Later, I caught the bug, inspected it, and released it outside, still unaware that it attacked me. Sunday night, I was watching Animal Planet (because I’m a giant dork) and there was a show on called Nature’s Vampires. Sure enough, the last animal featured was the Kissing Bug. As my lip began to swell and I realized I didn’t have a zit, I became suspicious and researched the Kissing Bug on the internet. It is DEFINITELY the bug I caught and it is DEFINITELY the bug that bit me.

So what are the side-effects of a kiss from the Kissing Bug? Well, had I been allergic, or if I recieve more bites that weaken my immunity, I will suffer from anaphylactic shock, which will likely kill me. I also may have Chagas disease, which is contracted from the Kissing Bug taking a crap on your face as it feeds.

I know you want to see what this bug looks like and if my story checks out.

Just Google “Kissing Bug” for more info.