Category: family / friends Page 19 of 27

I have done a lot of dumb things in my life, many of them falling on holidays. They end up being great learning lessons though. For instance:

• Lesson: Birthday’s are special. You should not dump a guy on his birthday. I still feel bad for this one. And I still gave him his birthday gifts – one Will Smith CD (see, Jake, it does run in the family) and some incense.
• Lesson: While I still content that the romantic notion of Valentine’s Day is a manipulation of a Saint’s day by companies like Hallmark, for many people it’s a fun day to celebrate love. Thus said, it would be unfortunate to start dating a guy on Valentine’s Day when it happens to be the same day he has “broken up” with his girlfriend of four years, especially when he never really broke up with her.
• Lesson: Mother’s Day should be full of only good news for Mom. You should not tell your mom about getting a tattoo on Mother’s Day. You should especially not tell your mom that the tattoo is maybe, kinda, sorta, technically speaking practically on your butt. You should definitely not do that.

Submitted by my brother, Jake:

I am running for Secretary of the volleyball team. My duties will include alumni relations, parent relations, schedule god, and Club Exec Board relations. Here is a copy of my campaign letter. (Oh and just ignore the cheap shot I take at Jeff Smith’s mom):

Dear constituents,

I hereby announce that I am running for the office of Secretary. I have an exemplary track record and have held office at various levels.

First, let me tell you a little about myself.

My political experience began at the tender age of 9. I ran for Vice-President of my 3rd grade class. In my campaign, I promised more playground equipment if elected. I won the position, and I delivered. Needless to say, recess became a better experience for everyone.

After leaving the political arena to try my hand at various academic pursuits (the Spelling Bee, the Geography Bee, and the like), I again returned to serve my class. In the 8th grade, I coordinated the Hall-Monitoring Department for St. Columban School. Under my tutelage, the hall monitors got a record number of write-ups. In fact, detention hours had to be extended to make room for the overwhelming number of miscreants.

Last year, my peers elected me (by unanimous decision) the Ohio Men’s Volleyball 2005-2006 Safety Officer. I took great pride in my position and worked tirelessly to prevent injury to my teammates. When I was elected, I made a promise:

If you elect me as your safety officer, I promise I will do the job to the best of my ability, with enthusiasm, care, and precision. I will personally see to it that there are no volleyball-related fatalities during the 2005-2006 season.

I delivered on my promise. All members of the team remain accounted for. Just as I delivered as Safety Officer, I will deliver as Secretary. When I see something I want, I go at it really hard. Just ask Jeff’s mom.

As your 2006-2007 Ohio Men’s Volleyball Secretary, I will work diligently in all capacities that the position requires. It should be noted that I won awards for handwriting in both the 4th and 5th grade. Also, I have consistently received high marks in the category, “Works well with others.”

Please elect me as your 2006-2007 Ohio Men’s Volleyball Secretary. I will not let you down.

Sincerely,
Jacob M. Westrich