An Open Letter to the Person Who Broke Into My Car

Dear Dummy,

I want to thank you for last night. Thanks for breaking into my car and reminding me that urban living has its risks … for reminding me of the importance of locking up, being street-smart and not leaving stuff laying around in my car. I’m irritated that you’ve left me feeling totally violated and creeped out all morning, but grateful for the good laugh I’ve had at your expense.

Some tips for the next time and general comments on what you got:

• If you’re going to check out the trunk and steal stuff, don’t go for the jank $10 Woot.com jumper cables. Aim for the $200 bike rack instead.
• I know sometimes having to work fast means you need to cut corners, but if you’re going to take CDs, check to see if there are any CDs in the cases you take. Bad news for you is that I misplaced those a long time ago! Also, I don’t think NPR compilation CDs have a high street value. Just a guess.
• A gym pass can be valuable so I totally understand why you took it. I’m thinking you weren’t a neighbor of mine, though, because if you were you would know that the gym associated with that membership closed and was demolished a few years ago. I was only keeping that photo ID because I thought the unflattering photo was funny in how it made each of my boobs look the size of my head. Hope you get a good laugh out of that, too!
• Physical fitness is important to me, as it obviously is to you based on the gym pass you stole as well as the gym bag. I hope you get good use out of those gym clothes. Some tips about the stuff you got: Those shoes are about three years old and need to be replaced pretty soon. Those sweet gym clothes? If you notice that they smell, it’s because they should. I’m a little dirty lazy and those have all been worn at least four times since the last time they were washed. Wear those and you might get a rash!

I appreciate that you left me my nice hand lotion and the emergency supply of tampons. That actually was really considerate of you.

I’m hoping there won’t be a next time. I’m going to be much more diligent about locking my car and I think you’ll find the car alarm that goes off is loudly, highly … alarming.

Yours truly,
Kate