All of the funny shit a UPS driver has said to my brother during his winter break job:
“‘You can’t have your cake and eat it too.’ Man, that’s the stupidest shit I ever heard. What the fuck do I want cake for if I can’t eat it? Of course I want to have my cake and eat it too. Shit.”
“Man, that’s like taking sand to a beach.”
“I saw my first porno the other day. I sure did look young back then.”
“She had a shape like Beyonce, so I knew she was a ho.”
“She’s got a big fat booty and loves the Lord. She’s your kinda girl.”
“Work smart, not hard. Write that shit down.”
“Man, you got a better chance of getting a blowjob from a piranha.”
“I only need the respect of people who sleep with me, call me daddy, or pay my bills.”
(to a pair of dogs that followed the truck around a whole neighborhood for dog treats)
“Greedy motherfuckers.”
Cliff: “I’ve been awarded the UPS Driver of the Year.”
Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize I’ve been working with a legend.”
Cliff: “You’re really an asshole, you know that?”
“Every girl is pretty in one way or another. The way she walks, the way she talks. Something. Like this girl that used to like me. She was UG-LY. She had a big gap in her teeth. Her hair was in a weave. She had big boobs and no butt. But damn she had some sexy feet.”
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