I have two new roommates named Addy and Newton. They’re Wonder Boy’s cats who are adjusting to their new home and missing their dad while he’s on a business trip. They are also working very hard to make sure that I stay safe.

Everyday, from the moment my foot hits the floor to when my head hits the pillow at the end of the day, Addy is within 1 foot of me. He is always on the lookout lest danger come my way, in which case I am sure he would scream and run away. (I assume this because it was his reaction when he scared himself and hit a glass door earlier this week.)

Both Addy and Newton are particularly concerned that I might be poisoned. They, because of their short height and lack of opposable thumbs, can’t prevent me from putting anything in my mouth or on my skin. They follow up on everything I have done though by rooting through my garbage and testing things for toxicity. I am not sure what all of the tests are they are running, but based on the Q-tips I have been finding in unusual places, the tests are very complicated.

I am not sure what Addy thought was harming me from my toilet but this morning there were two distinct paw prints inside my toilet bowl. Inside! I am sure whatever he was doing was crucial to me survival.

This morning Newton was afraid I might be dead so he got within 2 centimeters of my face and breathed out really hard. Now between eating nasty food and licking his asshole all day, you can imagine how his breath smells. So, his breathing on me really is a good test to see whether or not I’m alive. After all, you can’t sleep through cat-asshole-breath in your face. Addy apparently wasn’t satisfied with Newton’s Is She Alive test so ran his own. His breath had the same effect on me – gagging and flinching.

Finally, in what I truly appreciate as their most noble of activities, Addy and Newton have begun an intense attack on the crickets (if you can even call them that since clearly they have been exposed to nuclear chemicals and are the size of small chickens) living in my basement. The insects are vicious so it is much appreciated. This morning a dead one was left on a landing in my stairwell as if to say “See! We really are protecting you!”

This post originally appeared on Kate’s Point of View. © Kate. All rights reserved.