April 2006 | Kate's Point of View

Month: April 2006 Page 1 of 2

Just Vote Jake, For Goodness Sake

On April 27, 2006

Submitted by my brother, Jake:

I am running for Secretary of the volleyball team. My duties will include alumni relations, parent relations, schedule god, and Club Exec Board relations. Here is a copy of my campaign letter. (Oh and just ignore the cheap shot I take at Jeff Smith’s mom):

Dear constituents,

I hereby announce that I am running for the office of Secretary. I have an exemplary track record and have held office at various levels.

First, let me tell you a little about myself.

My political experience began at the tender age of 9. I ran for Vice-President of my 3rd grade class. In my campaign, I promised more playground equipment if elected. I won the position, and I delivered. Needless to say, recess became a better experience for everyone.

After leaving the political arena to try my hand at various academic pursuits (the Spelling Bee, the Geography Bee, and the like), I again returned to serve my class. In the 8th grade, I coordinated the Hall-Monitoring Department for St. Columban School. Under my tutelage, the hall monitors got a record number of write-ups. In fact, detention hours had to be extended to make room for the overwhelming number of miscreants.

Last year, my peers elected me (by unanimous decision) the Ohio Men’s Volleyball 2005-2006 Safety Officer. I took great pride in my position and worked tirelessly to prevent injury to my teammates. When I was elected, I made a promise:

If you elect me as your safety officer, I promise I will do the job to the best of my ability, with enthusiasm, care, and precision. I will personally see to it that there are no volleyball-related fatalities during the 2005-2006 season.

I delivered on my promise. All members of the team remain accounted for. Just as I delivered as Safety Officer, I will deliver as Secretary. When I see something I want, I go at it really hard. Just ask Jeff’s mom.

As your 2006-2007 Ohio Men’s Volleyball Secretary, I will work diligently in all capacities that the position requires. It should be noted that I won awards for handwriting in both the 4th and 5th grade. Also, I have consistently received high marks in the category, “Works well with others.”

Please elect me as your 2006-2007 Ohio Men’s Volleyball Secretary. I will not let you down.

Sincerely,
Jacob M. Westrich

Taking in Some Balinese in the Ciew of God

By Kate

On April 24, 2006

In uncategorized

This past weekend found me in the sunshine with a book in my hand wandering around my neighborhood for suitable reading spots. My only requirements were a something to lean against and a spot in full view of the sun. I spotted a bench in an empty churchyard and took full advantage of it.

Dumb.

The problem with religious folk is that they are friendly. Too damn friendly for my liking. And so there I sat soaking up rays and reading a little Balinese folktale called “The Painted Folktale” by Diana Darling — fabulous recommendation, Mom — and every stinking person that walked by felt it absolutely necessary to say hi or strike up a conversation with me. I made it through only by appearing engrossed in the book and pretty much ignoring the church goers.

My favorite though was when the Mormon guy came to the Church looking for people to witness to. Honest to God (haha), as soon as he showed up all the Church folk disappeared. So really, deep in their religious hearts, they wanted nothing to do with religious people either.

Vindication.

Deer Poop Diarrhea

By Kate

On April 20, 2006

In animals

I wrote Life as a newly anointed cat-person and realized only afterwards that I never shared the Deer Poop Diarrhea story in this forum. I couldn’t at the time. I was too scarred. But now, weeks later and later my apartment has started to smell normal again, I give you Deer Poop Diarrhea.

Okay, back when I was crazy and forced to drink beer to salvage my sanity, I had two puppies I was fostering: Curtis and Clarice. They were mostly just being their own canine selves and that was stressing me out, but ah well. For a freelance gig I have I was asked to write an article about dog parks. I thought Perfect!, I will take the dogs and interview other people with dogs while being a good foster mom at the same time. (I love to multi-task.) So Wonder Boy and I headed out to a local dog park but never found it. The whole drive Curtis and Clarice were in their carrying case crying away so after a while of looking for the dog park we gave up and took them to local city park that is big and very pretty. The pups were so small that leashes weren’t even an issue since I can pretty easily outrun something with an inseam of 3 inches.

The dogs loved being able to run around. More so, though, they loved being able to eat the deer poop that was everywhere. When I saw everywhere, I mean there was no feasible way for Wonder Boy and I to keep it out of their mouths. So after a while we gave up and just took them home.

On the way home I questioned Wonder Boy about the increasingly bad stink in his car. His sniffer is just about broke so he had no idea what I was talking about but it was so bad I rode with the windows down. Then we got them home and saw the source of the stink. They had vomited deer poop pellets all inside their carrying case.

After giving them their third bath of the day and cleaning out the carrying case (thank you, Wonder Boy, for doing that) we thought all was well.

But no.

For the next 48 hours the puppies had Deer Poop Diarrhea. Oh. My. God. Nothing on this planet should smell that bad. Even Wonder Boy could smell the Deer Poop Diarrhea and he, a nurse, said the only smell he could think of that was worse was when someone gets a gut bleed. It was nasty. After cleaning it up for like the 28th time, I called Wonder Boy in tears and said I was done.

Done. With all of it. With the puppies. With Deer Poop Diarrhea. Done.

They are adopted now so all is well. And my apartment is final starting to lose that scent of Deer Poop Diarrhea.

Sometimes, having a penis sounds okay

By Kate

On April 20, 2006

In uncategorized

As said to me today while walking between two locations at my workplace:

After two high-schooler boys let me pass them they said (to help, I was wearing flip-flops) “Mmmm. Look at those flip-flops flip flop.”
“Hey, you! Sexy woman! You wanna have pancakes at my house in the mornin’?”

Life as a newly anointed cat-person

By Kate

On April 20, 2006

In animals

As mentioned on several prior occasions (here and here), I am a dog person. Ironically, my brief foray into dog ownership showed me the light. Although very sweet and giving with their love (there is nothing like little puppy kisses on your neck), it’s not all fun. The problems with dogs include, but are not limited to:

You have to train them to poop outside
You have to train them to pee outside
They eat poop
They drink pee
They eat vomit
They sniff butts
Puppy crying sounds like you are strangling a newborn
Their food is the nastiest smelling thing, only to be outdone by the smell of dog diarrhea after your dog has eaten some deer poop

Based on my horrendous introduction into actual dog ownership, I have started to have a new appreciation for cat because:

They poop and pee in boxes and can be trained to do this while they are still very young

You’ll notice that having poop, pee, vomit and diarrhea routinely finding their way to my floor for the period of 3 ½ weeks pretty much changed me to the new cat-loving person I am today.