Boys

BOYS. I mean I like them and all most of the time. Better than most girls, in fact. But then one of them goes and does something absolutely STUPID and I start to turn on the whole species.

Example One
I am sitting at the Esquire watching The Aristocrats (thanks for the tip, Doug, and you all really should go see it… but know that it’s dirty).The small theatre room we were in was packed so eventually me and my BF scoot over from our prime back-row-center seats to let some we-came-to-the-movie-10-minutes-late couple have a seat. The man leans over and says into my ear, “Thanks,” which sounds like a normal thing but he was like TWO CENTIMETERS FROM MY EAR and it creeped me out and set me on high alert.

For the rest of the movie the creep would periodically STARE at me for extended periods of time. My peripheral vision is good enough (my ophthalmologist says I can’t be surprised from the side because it’s so good) to see ole creepo going nuts just staring away at me. ICK. Normally I would have been laughing so hard I’d be crying at all the incest and bestiality jokes, but I was too self-conscience.

Then when there are only about 15 minutes left in the movie Creepo pokes me in the leg, I turn to him and he asks me how old me and my BF are. I am too stunned to even question it so I tell him the truth: 27 and 30, respectively. Apparently that was all he needed and he started watching the movie again. Sicko.

Then while the credits were rolling, Sicko and his lady got up to leave and he leaned in to me and my BF and said, “Don’t get into any trouble.”

Seriously, he made me want a hot shower with hot water, bleach and steel wool.

Example Two
Some friends of my BF’s organized the Dayton Music Fest this past weekend – a night of bands from Dayton playing in Dayton at a few choice clubs for a choice entry fee. I was at the one bar watching The American Static (Super band, in both means of the word, for people who get that joke) when this pretty-and-a-little-too-old-to-be-so-uncool-AND-hanging-in-this-crowd guy and his I-spent-a-lot-of-money-to-look-this-good lady walked in. I noticed them only because they stood out in a crowd of hipsters. As they walked by, and this is not a lie or an exaggeration, the MAN GRABBED MY CROTCH. Okay, it’s a slight exaggeration. The man grabbed my upper thigh and an area so uppermost it was basically my crotch.

I was pissed.

I sat there listening to the music and enjoying the vocals of J. Keith Himes. But the whole time I was thinking how if that NASTY-ASS walked by I would kick him. I am not above that you know. But then I got over it.

And so when he walked by again and GRABBED ME AGAIN, I was stunned. And mad I didn’t react quick enough to kick him. In the head.

BOYS!