Kate's Point of View

The Product of Creative Frustration

Month: December 2004 Page 1 of 2

Meaning

By

On December 16, 2004

In uncategorized

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest inwhich readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

And the winners are…

  1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
  2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
  3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
  6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedlyanswer the door in your nightgown.
  7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after youare run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
  12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by aproctologist immediately before he examines you.
  13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishexpressions.
  14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
  15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soulgoes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
  16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts
This post originally appeared on Kate’s Point of View. © Kate. All rights reserved.

High Rox

By

On December 16, 2004

In rock

Today I had an interesting drive to work. It all started when I noticed the bumper sticker on the car in front of me that read:

Jesus
Rox My
World

Later I was behind a bus that had an ad on the back for a Christian college with the slogan:

Get a HIGHer Education

The thing is, I think it’s cool for people who have found religion and for religious institutions to be all down with the people. Heck, maybe slogans like these will help more people find God, right?

But, maybe not.

Call me perverse, but when I saw “Get a HIGHer Education,” I thought they were talking about smoking pot. I went to OU. A lot of my classmates there got HIGHer educations.

And about Jesus rockin’ your world… (I can’t even comment on the spelling of “rox” because it’s so ridiculous.) The thing is, I think the phrase “rock my world” is sex-related. Maybe I am wrong here – it has been known to happen – but I don’t think so. I tried to find the origin of the phrase “rock my world,” but to no avail. So, I turn to music.

Michael Jackson, perhaps not the greatest person to turn to when I am trying to make a sex-related point, sang the song “You Rock My World” with JayZ on his The Number Ones album. The lyrics:


You rocked my world, you know you did
And everything I’m gonna give (you rocked my world)
And there ain’t nothing we could find
Someone like you to call mine (you rocked my world)
You rocked my world, you know you did (girl)
And everything I’m gonna give (I want you, girl)
And there ain’t nothing we could find
Someone like you to call mine

[michael jackson]
In time I knew that love would bring
This happiness to me
I tried to keep my sanity
I waited patiently
Girl, you know it seems
My life is fully complete
Our love is true because of you
You’re doin’ what you do
Oh, oh, oh, oh, who’d think that I (oh)
Have finally found the perfect love I searched for allmy life
(searched for all my life)
Oh, oh, oh, oh, who’d think I’d find
(whoa…oh…oh…)
Such a perfect love that’s so right (whoa, girl)

[chorus]

[jay-z]
H to the izzo
Make ya leave ya jerkey boy like frank rizzo
My next get bank
Jigga voice his music, forget the track
Clap, clap, clap, clap
Before we lose it, trackmasters bring it back, let’s go

Okay – now did you read all of those “Oh”s??? It has to be about sex, right? So really? Jesus rocks this man’s world?

This post originally appeared on Kate’s Point of View. © Kate. All rights reserved.

Housewarming, Part II

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On December 6, 2004

In uncategorized

Submitted by Andrea:

Well, they are at it again… We have now added a cheetah to our collection. This time Sean called to let me know it was there on his way in to work. I followed suit and went out to the front lawn with my camera. The only problem was that I couldn’t move the cheetah myself, so it had to sit on the front lawn until he came home that night. A couple of our neighbors stopped to ask about it. I offered the cheetah to everyone who inquired about it. Funny, there were no takers.

Honk if you love cheetahs!

From the Prankers:
Wonder Boy and I were out at garage sales and just as we were about to leave one home where we each bought some styling circa 1950 clothes, I spotted the cheetah. I asked the woman working the door how much it was.
“Oh honey, you don’t want that – it’s broken.”
“That’s perfect,” I said. “How much?”
And that’s how I got the one-earred cheetah for $1. Or, I suppose, how Sean and Andrea got the one-earred cheetah. The sign in his missing ear was all Jason’s idea, but it’s a nice touch, don’t you think?
This post originally appeared on Kate’s Point of View. © Kate. All rights reserved.

Housewarming – Part 1

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On December 3, 2004

In uncategorized

Submitted by Andrea:

There’s nothing like waking up the first day in your new home and finding out just how much your friends care about you. Our dear friends gave us a housewarming to remember.

At the early hour of 6 am on August 24, I woke up to my husband freaking out. Sean took Thelma and Tootsie (our schnauzers) out to potty and returned a frantic mess. He told me that he thought we had offended our new neighbors and they retaliated by putting fairies in our front yard.

I decided to check things out myself, knowing Sean only has one eye open when he takes the dogs out in the morning. The moment I hit the front porch, I knew who did it. We are now the proud owners of a plastic lamb, plastic picket fence, gnome, squirrel, USA poles and a “What Would Jesus Do” sign. We’re glad they decided against the Bush sign.

Note the artfully arranged plastic fence with the plastic sheep planter inside.
Makes you feel like you’re at a petting zoo, doesn’t it?

The metallic stars add some glitz to the yard decor.
You might be amazed to find out how cheap ceramic squirrels are.
Yard gnomes are good luck, you know? We were just trying to bring Andrea and Sean good luck. 

From the Prankers: 
Sean and Andrea are only too lucky that they didn’t find conservative political signs in their liberal yard in their liberal neighborhood. And Jason and I are lucky that no one called the cops on us.
Our prank took one late night of planning and shopping at Deals (a dollar store) and Odd Lots. (It’s amazing the awesome things you can find at those places!) The next morning we woke up at sunrise (literally) and stealthily drove our car to Sean and Andrea’s new home. Then we quickly, so as not to get into trouble with the law, planted everything in their yard. Everything went smoothly until it was time to put up the sheep’s fence. That thing seemed to take forever to put together. Especially as Metro buses kept driving by and the passengers were staring at us… The ceramic squirrel though – that was fun stuff.
Later that day Sean called Jason and I don’t know what was said but Jason lasted about five minutes before he started laughing and the gig was up. But so much fun. It was almost like a prank that would have to be done again…
This post originally appeared on Kate’s Point of View. © Kate. All rights reserved.

Navel Gazing

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On December 3, 2004

In uncategorized

This is my tribute to the belly button, in honor of my friend who just lost hers. Well, temporarily anyway. I think bellybuttons are weird. They are very much a functional requirement of humans and yet we have turned them into an aesthetic feature.

  • Girls wear their jeans low to show off their navels.
  • Boys do crazy crunches to make their navels firmer.
  • Girls do exercises on balls to make their stomachs flatter.
  • Boys rid their chests and stomachs of hair to highlight muscle tone.
  • Girls pierce their belly buttons to draw more attention to, and accessorize, the navel.

The thing is, the only reason you have a bellybutton is because that’s where the umbilical cord was attached while you were in the womb and it gave you food. Post birth, it was cut, knotted and left to dry of your body, looking like a shriveled turd while it waited to fall off. It’s a scar of sorts! And yet here we are celebrating, flaunting and accessorizing the darn things.
People will argue over which kind of bellybutton is better: innie or outtie.


People will ask if Adam and Eve had bellybuttons at all.


And, I guess, people will notice when their bellybuttons disappear, even if it’s only temporarily.

This post originally appeared on Kate’s Point of View. © Kate. All rights reserved.

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