Submitted by Wonder Boy

One of the many pangs of moving involves switching your phone number for the new city that you live in. Apparently the person who had my number before I moved to Cincy was a very, very bad man. I want to give you some information on him and then maybe you can help me figure out who he is…like a detective story!

Week 1:
I get about a phone call everyday from a law office looking to speak with Alfonsi *#^*@&^! (names have been changed to protect the innocent…actually I don’t remember his last name). Apparently he had some legal problems where his attorney was looking for him as well as the law. I never called the attorney back as I was worried that I might be named an accomplice in whatever he was doing.

Week 2:
While still getting the phone calls from week 1 I start getting another string of phone calls from a bill collector that leaves the same boring pre-recorded message on my voice mail, once, sometimes twice, a day. “Hi, this is Barbara SvenGlamerham…this is an important call and I need to speak with an adult of the household by 5 pm today”. Thinking that this is a call to consolidate my mortgage or to purchase vinyl siding I call “Barb” back and not so politely blast her (actually it wasn’t her it was some other operator) for blowing up my phone for the last week. The rep on the phone was actually quite sweet and later I felt bad for calling her a filthy telemarketing bottom feeder. She explained that Alfonsi hadn’t been very good at paying his bills (she wasn’t a bill collector) and they were looking to collect. After convincing her that Alfonsi and I were not living together and I didn’t know his whereabouts either she apologized. This happened with a few other creditors and random bill collectors. Shortly after the phone calls ended.

Jump to present:
Just as I thought Alfonsi was out of my life forever I got a call yesterday from Krogers. “This call is for Alfonsi *#^*@&^!. Reference number blah bla blah bla blah”. I quickly called them back and explained again that I had never known Alfonsi nor was I aware of his current whereabouts. This time Alfonsi had written a bad check (or twenty) to Krogers while purchasing Rice a Roni, a can of Easy Cheese and 13 Slim Jims (actually I am not really sure if that is what he purchased, but I’d rather fantasize that he purchased such delicacies). I explained to her that I have never known an Alfonsi or this Alfonsi, but I did mention that this Alfonsi was a bad, bad man. She apologized for the inconvenience and removed my number from his file.

I am not sure where Alfonsi is or if he truly is permanently out of my life. I hope that someday he is able to pay off his debt, make himself right with the law and legitimately buy dehydrated beef jerky products with cash.